Family Dynamics

I don't think you truly understand how different families are until you get married. When you are engaged you know, but once the ink is dry on the marriage license the need to hide family oddities becomes less necessary. When you are growing up, your siblings learn your personalities and know how to handle your quirks. You either learn to love then or use them to annoy the shit out of them. Also, there are no set parents the same. Some want a hug and a kiss when you walk out the door, even for a short time. Where as others you get the kiss and hug on special occasions. Some parents yell and others discuss. Parenting styles lead to how the child interacts with people for the rest of their lives.

As my siblings "pair off" into relationships I have begun to see how different families are. One set of in-laws are quiet, don't yell are a little weird, another set picks on each other's faults and riddles their children with guilt. My in-laws have plenty of quirks too, their religiousness, the inability to pick up a phone and call, plus more that couldn't even describe. I am by no means saying that our family if perfect either. How do you learn to deal with these as you decide to become husband and wife or decide to start a family? Do you ever learn completely? Or is it a continuous learning process? Or do you just give up the fight?

Why is it so hard to mesh families? Why can't a family open their hearts and homes to people that their child or sibling loves? Now I am not saying that we as family members should roll over and accept anyone. You should not accept the man who belittles your sister or the woman who is constantly ordering around your son. I am saying that if the person is nice enough, your brother loves her, why not let them be happy? Who cares that they aren't the same religion? Who cares that they don't play golf or watch tractor pulls? Why do we have to find their faults? Especially when we ourselves know how hard it is to try and belong.

Worse yet, how do we move on after the conflict? How do we realize that you promised to love honor and cherish this person forever and their family is part of the package deal? How do you get past the nasty comments or the knock-down drag out fight you had? You have to learn the art of forgiveness and have the courage and integrity to move on. You have to learn to say to that person, you wronged me, but I forgive you. For the good of the family that you and your spouse have and will create, you have to move on. Now I don't expect forgiveness to be granted for such actions as stealing, abuse, or other crimes. When a fight happens you need to get over yourself, your embarrassment or your anger and look at the bigger picture. Do you want to have this hanging over your head your whole life? Do you want carry that anger and resentment for the rest of your life? Or as long as your marriage lasts? There is one person that I am related to by marriage that I want to read this but I know never will. I know that this person will never get past their selfishness to realize what their hurt feelings are doing to not only their spouse that is stuck in the middle, but to the family that desperately wants to get past this and enjoy what they have because we know that it won't last forever! Maybe THAT is why we like to get together so often!!