It has taken me a long time to decide on whether to write this post or not. I finally decided that I had to write this. My sanity has come to depend on it. I need to get this out and on a screen as maybe it will help me deal. This is what a blog is supposed to do. It would have been too hard a month ago but, I am ready. This is mostly what has kept me away from here and posting so infrequently. I would be writing but there is a huge elephant in the corner staring at me. This is the majority of what is going on in my life right now. Mom, I hope that you are OK with this!
My mom has Breast Cancer. We found out the second to last weekend in October. A family meeting was called and no one knew why. We have all coped with this in different ways and none of us very well I am afraid. I think that I am still stuck in the first stage of grief which is denial currently served with a side of depression (I can cry at the drop of a hat). I had truly thought that I was on my way to acceptance until my mom shaved her hair off because it started to fall out. I lost it! Not only did I lose it in front of my mother that day, but that evening with Josh.
I lost it because for the first time my mother looked ill. She didn't look like the same person that I saw the day before. I didn't recognize the woman that had been there for me my whole life and that scared me. Scared that this disease would actually win. Scared that she wouldn't be there for me much longer. Scared that she was suffering. Not wanting her to become another one of those Cancer patients so sick and bald headed. Hoping that she was fighting the disease with every ounce of energy she has in her.
My mom's Cancer is very treatable and it isn't very aggressive so it hasn't spread far. However this forces you to think about your parents mortality. When you are growing up your parents are superhuman and you don't want to think anything less. You never want lose your parents. As the circle of life keeps turning you realize that is closer than you want it to be, especially when disease enters the picture. At this point you just want to hold onto every moment that you have with them. You want the world to stop spinning and the days to stop. You don't ever want to leave them.
That is all I need to get off of my chest right now. I will have to post these from time to time to help me through this. Maybe I can skip anger and bargaining and go straight to acceptance. I think that I am close. The only anger I will have is at my brothers not helping out enough around the house!!
